Wednesday, November 13, 2013

"Like a hot knife through butter" a/k/a the time I decided to get my clit pierced.

i had been toying with the idea for a while. i wanted to complete my piercing “collection” so far i had my tongue, nose, nipples and belly button. my RIP piercings: eyebrow, labret, and side of lip.
so, like any normal thing i do, i decided randomly, at midnight it had to be done! oh yes! it did! so, i put on my “i <3 john cusack” shirt and forced my friend kyle to go with me. she was kind of excited. she wanted to see me scream and/or possibly die from pain.

we arrived at my piercing/tattoo place and i was ready to go! woohoo! the lovely lady piercer offered to show me HER piercing, but i told her it was cool. she told me that nipple piercings hurt a lot more and that the clit piercing would be “like a hot knife through butter”.  alrighty! awesome! my nipple piercings didn’t hurt at all. then we decided on a vertical piercing given my girlie parts are on the smaller side. NOW HERE IS WHERE THIS STORY NEEDS TO HIT A SCREECHING HALT (kind of like the ride that almost killed me).

i should probably have observed that lovely piercer lady’s HORIZONTAL piercing on her large clit which was most likely part of a sloppy, chewed up vag situation. i should have also noticed the fact that she was at most an A cup.


remy has a 36-38D/DD chest and a nice small, polite cookie. yeah, i just called it a small, polite cookie.  that’s the best way to describe it. it’s neat, and compact and nothing is amiss.

now, these differences matter GREATLY!!!!

the smaller your boobs, the more pain and the larger and sloppier your girlie parts, the less pain…because come on! we all know large sloppy obnoxious things have no feelings! i mean, just look at snooki.

my pain tolerance is ridiculously high. so, i was ready! kyle was standing next to me and holding my hand, just in case…..but, c’mon! i’m a fucking champion! BRING IT ON!!!!!!!

so, i’m laying there thinking to myself  ”all right a hot knife through butttt…HOLLLLYYYY FUUUCKKKK MYYYY ASSSSSSS!!!!!” my eyes completely cross. whoaaaaaa piercer laddddy!!!!! that was not like a hot knife through butter! that was like a fucking thick piercing needle being shoved through my small, polite cookie!

so, after my eyes uncross and i thank the lovely piercer lady for the wonderful time, we walk out to the car, which was horrible. moving the lower half of my body was just the worst thing i’d ever felt. butttttt now, i must drive home. awesome. my car is stick. fuck. although this pain is just the worst, i’m pretty stoked about my new piercing. it’s just so…so….CUTE!

however, waking up in the morning, pulling back your blankets and having it look like someone has murdered something in your bed is NOT cute! forget the horse head scene from the godfather. that had NOTHING on this!  i called the tattoo/piercing place and they were kind of freaked out and told me that the piercer would not be in until later. so, i talked to a friend who had a bunch of genital piercings. he told me they bleed like crazy for two days and then heal uber quickly and how it’s definitely more awkward if you’re a dude. he was right. two days later the bloodening of doom ceased and everything healed quite quickly.

i was left with a very cute piercing in my small, polite cookie.

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