Wednesday, November 13, 2013

"Like a hot knife through butter" a/k/a the time I decided to get my clit pierced.

i had been toying with the idea for a while. i wanted to complete my piercing “collection” so far i had my tongue, nose, nipples and belly button. my RIP piercings: eyebrow, labret, and side of lip.
so, like any normal thing i do, i decided randomly, at midnight it had to be done! oh yes! it did! so, i put on my “i <3 john cusack” shirt and forced my friend kyle to go with me. she was kind of excited. she wanted to see me scream and/or possibly die from pain.

we arrived at my piercing/tattoo place and i was ready to go! woohoo! the lovely lady piercer offered to show me HER piercing, but i told her it was cool. she told me that nipple piercings hurt a lot more and that the clit piercing would be “like a hot knife through butter”.  alrighty! awesome! my nipple piercings didn’t hurt at all. then we decided on a vertical piercing given my girlie parts are on the smaller side. NOW HERE IS WHERE THIS STORY NEEDS TO HIT A SCREECHING HALT (kind of like the ride that almost killed me).

i should probably have observed that lovely piercer lady’s HORIZONTAL piercing on her large clit which was most likely part of a sloppy, chewed up vag situation. i should have also noticed the fact that she was at most an A cup.


remy has a 36-38D/DD chest and a nice small, polite cookie. yeah, i just called it a small, polite cookie.  that’s the best way to describe it. it’s neat, and compact and nothing is amiss.

now, these differences matter GREATLY!!!!

the smaller your boobs, the more pain and the larger and sloppier your girlie parts, the less pain…because come on! we all know large sloppy obnoxious things have no feelings! i mean, just look at snooki.

my pain tolerance is ridiculously high. so, i was ready! kyle was standing next to me and holding my hand, just in case…..but, c’mon! i’m a fucking champion! BRING IT ON!!!!!!!

so, i’m laying there thinking to myself  ”all right a hot knife through butttt…HOLLLLYYYY FUUUCKKKK MYYYY ASSSSSSS!!!!!” my eyes completely cross. whoaaaaaa piercer laddddy!!!!! that was not like a hot knife through butter! that was like a fucking thick piercing needle being shoved through my small, polite cookie!

so, after my eyes uncross and i thank the lovely piercer lady for the wonderful time, we walk out to the car, which was horrible. moving the lower half of my body was just the worst thing i’d ever felt. butttttt now, i must drive home. awesome. my car is stick. fuck. although this pain is just the worst, i’m pretty stoked about my new piercing. it’s just so…so….CUTE!

however, waking up in the morning, pulling back your blankets and having it look like someone has murdered something in your bed is NOT cute! forget the horse head scene from the godfather. that had NOTHING on this!  i called the tattoo/piercing place and they were kind of freaked out and told me that the piercer would not be in until later. so, i talked to a friend who had a bunch of genital piercings. he told me they bleed like crazy for two days and then heal uber quickly and how it’s definitely more awkward if you’re a dude. he was right. two days later the bloodening of doom ceased and everything healed quite quickly.

i was left with a very cute piercing in my small, polite cookie.

The time I almost met my demise due to my boobs.

a few years ago, my coworkers and i got season passes for six flags - magic mountain. it seemed like a really good idea. we worked only about 30 minutes away. it was the fall so, the park was pretty empty and open late around halloween.  so, after work every day we would all go and have an awesome time for a couple of hours and then go home. the weekends we would stay until the park closed or until someone puked from riding a ride too many times. yes, this actually happened. no, it wasn’t me, i’m a fucking roller coaster champion!

so, there was this new ride TATSU which, i had been on several times before. when you get in, you sit down and your legs are dangling, they pull down the restraint which goes over your shoulders, chest and down to your lap. once that is in place, you are lifted up so your face is facing the ground. it’s fucking awesome.

now, here is where i must explain the anatomy of a Remy-Xtin. not only do i have the face of an anime character, but i have the body of one….really big boobs….a tiny waist and a bubble butt….so, what will restrain my boobs, will not necessarily properly restrain the rest of my body if, let’s say, i’m jarred around a lot.

this was probably the fourth time i had been on this ride and everything was going fine….until i started shifting….A LOT….so, i started holding on for dear life, hoping that i didn’t shift too much more.
the ride came in to unload, we were still face down, above over 10 feet of metal and concrete and it came to a screeching halt. that last screeching halt did it. i started to slip and you just hear a horrible “help! i’m going to fucking die!” squeak come out of my mouth as i’m desperately clinging on, my body sliding out of the restraint. luckily my boyfriend at the time was on one side of me and one of my male coworkers was on the other side of me and they both grabbed a hold of me.  as if this wasn’t bad enough, there was an issue with the set of cars in front of us so, we were stuck there for about 10 minutes.

when we finally got in, the idiots working there were horrified at the sight of me hanging out of the ride, two guys clinging on to me so i don’t fall, yet, here i am actually laughing hysterically because what else can i do?…’s so ridiculous… i really going to fall over 10 feet and smash my fucking face open? really? how stupid!

they get me down and are wondering what happened and my coworker tells them it’s because they didn’t secure me properly and an argument ensues….one that ends with a teenage guy telling me that it’s not his fault that i have big boobs that could be a hazard.



i just start imagining the epic “HAZARD - BIG BOOBS” signs.

that was the last time i went on TATSU with my hazardous boobs.

if you ever see me and i have caution tape wrapped around my chest, you’ll know why. those motherfuckers can kill !!!!!!!